disappointment.

It is so hard to be disappointed.
There is a plethora of things to disappoint us in this life- big and small.

I am disappointed my hair didn’t turn out quite like I wanted it today.

I’m also disappointed I’m not engaged.

I remember, about a year ago, maybe a little less.. I was sure I would be engaged by summer. I just knew that I would be. Imagine my disappointment, then, when mere months later that illusion was shattered. Everything changed, my fairy tale was torn apart.

I was hurt. I was devastated, and miserable, and sure I would never be happy again. Even now, I know I’m jaded, and a little bit ruined. But I am getting better. I am strong, and I know what I deserve, and I am working hard to understand- and be content with- the way things worked out. I know I am better off right now, and that I am where I am for a reason. It’s not hard to see the benefits that have come from this shattering experience.

Just knowing it’s right isn’t always enough, however. We have to hit that realization for ourselves, believe it’s right, know without a shadow of a doubt that we are where we belong. And that is a hard truth to face.

Getting your hopes up for the way you think things ought to be is a dangerous road to travel. More often than not, you will be disappointed. But sometimes…

Sometimes, you will have wonderful people there to help carry you when your legs get weak. My best friend is an angel, supporting me when I feel like falling, lending me hope when I’m filled with despair, giving me strength when I want to give up. Merely knowing she is on my side makes me feel invincible, like I can overcome any wild disparity in my hopes that I may encounter.

Life is filled with disappointments. It makes me think of my own when I see those of others. But I know that if I can overcome a broken spirit and hardening heart, then so can anyone else- even you.

Even you.

Protected: She was gorgeous. (14 letters. Deana’s favorite drink.)

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Back to square one

So I’m in a singles ward

and I talked to my Bishop

(a while ago. I’m catching you up.)

Basically, I’m back into the swing of things.

Renewing my covenants every week.

I don’t think I’ve ever been happier.

It makes a difference.

 

By the end of the month I should be able to get my temple recommend, and I will be even happier then than I am now. I can’t believe what a difference it makes. I never knew how much a week can suffer just from missing one Sunday. ONE Sunday, and my whole week felt off. But I went today, and it was amazing. And it’s going to stay amazing.

Always.

I love meeting with my Bishop.

It’s finally over.

All the heartache, the pain, the hurt

The wishing waiting hoping dreaming

It’s all paid off (:

And I’m where I’m supposed to be.

What a grand life we lead.

..

I’m so quiet today, I don’t feel like me

Someone took your smile away

Now it’s gone and I can see

No one loves til it’s gone

I’m the one who likes change

But I feel taken by surprise

Let me rewind the things I say

That made it rain inside your eyes

I keep missing you

My heart knows it’s through

Don’t wake up I’m here

To keep you from the storm, ooh

I’ll soak up your fear

And keep your body warm

I keep missing you

My heart knows it’s through

Don’t wake up, I’m here

To keep you from the storm, ooh

I’ll soak up your fear

And keep your body warm

I keep missing you

My heart knows it’s through

Nothing to hold on to, ooh

My heart knows it’s through…

“Ballad of Wendy Baker” – Ben Kweller

ugh.

Sometimes I feel like so much less than other people.

I feel like I’m not as cool as them, that my life isn’t as worth talking about, that I’m just not as awesome.

I feel like I have so far to go before I can feel like I’m on par…

I don’t even know how to explain this crap. I just hate feeling inferior, it’s not going away.

Maybe, if I keep improving the way I think I should, I will feel better. And then I won’t have to worry about it.

ugh.

2012 Resolutions

 

Take the Sacrament

Read the Book of Mormon

Get a new job

Rock momentum upside down

Write. Write. Write.

Read 1 book a month

Get a new CTR ring

Constantly try to better myself, don’t just vegetate.

 

 

I think it’s a pretty good list, but I might be biased. I didn’t want to make a resolution that was really specific, like work out three times a week no matter what, or things like that- except for the reading. I don’t usually keep resolutions like that, but I know I can do the book one.. Because it’s something I regret not doing more last year. This year is about becoming the best me I possibly can- hopefully through helping others become better. That would be cool. I want to be someone that everyone wants to be around. I’m getting closer to that, but I know I’m not there yet. Everyone makes mistakes. I just want mine to be not as big as they have been.

So there’s the plan. Become better. Easy, right? (: I guess we’ll see. Life’s an adventure, I think I wanna take it full swing.