Let me begin by saying.. I feel safe here. I haven’t given this site to a single soul I know. I don’t know if anyone will read it, I’m not sure I care. It’s for me. A place where I can spew my thoughts freely. And that’s how I’m going to use it now..
I haven’t said this to anyone I know. I haven’t said it to myself. But I’m going to say it to you: I think I’m in love with him.
I know I love him. I’ve told him this, we’ve talked about it. He loves me, too. But love and in love are two completely different things. Telling him I love him.. It means I care so much about him, that he’s the most amazing thing in my life right now, that he’s so important. We discussed that, and that’s how he means it, too. We don’t say it often, but we know it’s there, and that’s what matters.
A couple of weeks ago, we watched a movie, made out passionately, and cuddled on the couch. While we were laying there, I asked him if it bothers him when I say “I love you.” He told me it doesn’t, but that he doesn’t know what it means. So we discussed what it means. (Ooh, before I forget. When we got to his house, he went upstairs for a bit. I found a list of resolutions on his dresser, and one of them was “only date wife material.” I was really upset. Anyway, moving on.) After that, he asked me what I saw for us in the future. Where we were going, something like that. I really wish I could remember. I told him I’m scared to think about the future, but that I don’t want to lose him. He said the same. I can’t remember the exact way the conversation went, but that was the gist of it. And I felt good about it.
Lately I’ve been thinking about that.. My brother and neighbors are always teasing us about marriage. We’ve been dating since the end of September 2010, together since December 5th. New Years Eve my neighbor looked him straight in the face and said “What I really wanna know is, when are you gonna ask the big question?” Being the sweetheart that he is, he totally didn’t understand what my neighbor meant. When he got it, he laughed it off, and it was all okay. I was mortified. But he didn’t mind, and that’s what matters.
But the more I think about it..
I don’t ever want him to leave. I know that’s a normal feeling, but still. We’ve been together a long time. This may be my longest relationship.. I’m not sure. Have you ever heard the term “Honeymoon stage,” sometimes “newlywed stage?” It refers to how in a relationship, it usually takes a few weeks or a month before the glow wears off and the irritated arguing starts. Where the people realize their partner isn’t perfect, and they’re not so smushy damn cute. (Wow. Smushy damn cute. I should write these down..) Not everyone goes through it- they get married. And it’s okay.
Here’s the thing.. I still think he’s perfect. I still love every single thing about him- even the things that bug the hell out of me. I love him the way he is, and I don’t want him to change. That’s new for me. And I’m not sure what it means. I just know that I would be lost without him. Sure, I’d move on, I’d be okay. But I would be damn miserable, that’s for sure. I would be alone and in pain and I wouldn’t want another man in my life for a long time, maybe ever. He’s my everything, whether I like it or not.
Being 19, there’s a lot I’m not ready for. I think marriage may be one of them. He’s 22, so obviously he’s a little closer than I am. But I think the only reason I’m not is because I’m still technically a “teen.” Either way, I think about marriage a lot. And the more I think about it, the more I think he could be the one; the more I want to embark on that adventure with him; the deeper he sinks into my soul.
Wow. That was dramatic.
Like I said, I so won’t admit this. Just typing it here scares the hell out of me. But I know I love him, and I think I may be in love with him.. And despite the reasons that say “no-” like the fact that he’s Mormon- I think I would say yes.
Food for thought.