Archive for February, 2011
Just a song, from a girl, who loves a boy. Not the best singing, but the lyrics are semi solid. I don’t recommend listening if you don’t want to hear something kinda sad, though.
And he’s left me. We broke up an hour before Valentine’s day. We said “I love you” to each other more in that last conversation than we did in our entire relationship together. He held me for hours while I sobbed. He even cried a little bit. And now I’m lost. I’m miserable, and stuck, and I don’t know what to do. My world has ended. I’m being dramatic, but seriously. Even 12 hours ago, I was sitting next to him, so in love, sure that I wanted to, that I could, that maybe I even would marry this man. Everything changed so quickly. I’ve lost my everything. How am I supposed to love again? Just the thought of him with someone else makes me sick. But I still want him to be happy. I love him, and that hasn’t changed. I will always love him. He knows that. I guess I just have to learn to live without my heart.
I meant to post this yesterday.. The app didn’t do it right.
I’d like to add that I was sure he was the one, that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I was going to give being Mormon another chance, do anything it took. I would still do anything for him. I would turn my world upside down to be back in his arms. I’m not sure if it makes it better or worse that we still love each other.. I don’t understand how someone can be in love and not be together. I love him.. I’m so scared and lost. I’m emptying out, turning into a shell of a person. I can feel it, but I can’t do anything about it.
We talk so much still.. We’re nearly always texting. It’s so weird, talking to him about how I miss him and how hurt I am. It seems so backwards to me.
If I keep going, this is going to turn into a sobfest. So there’s my quick little update.. About losing the man I let myself hope I would be with forever.
I’m looking through the book of my life..
When we met, you were just a sentence. Soon, you became a paragraph. It wasn’t long before you were a page. Picking up speed, you easily filled a chapter. Now it’s clear- you’re a main character. And this book wouldn’t be the same without you.
You’re beautiful. Wonderful. Delightful. Any other ‘fuls’ I can think of. You bring light into every day-and night- of my life. You are everything to me.
I thank you for that. I love you.
I talked last time about Him. I’d like to elaborate a little, and outline my dilemma. We’ve had a few deep discussions about how we feel about each other and our future. We agree that our relationship grows deeper and stronger every day, and that we’re both terrified to lose each other. We got on the subject of religion while laying in bed a few weeks ago, and he sort of nudged me and said, “yeah, I think that’s where we’re gonna have problems, babe.” And he was right. He’s Mormon. He wants to get married in the temple, have a big Mormon family, and be Mormon-y and righteous the rest of his days. Okay, so I’m paraphrasing. But that’s the gist of it.
Me not being Mormon, our relationship would work out fine on my end. I’m open and accepting, I have no rules to follow, as long as I feel I’m doing right and I’m happy. But he can’t just get married by himself in the temple, duh. I would obviously have to be there. And just thinking about him going off to church by himself, everyone always asking where his wife is, not having real support at home.. And I would support him, I would. But if I wasn’t a member of his religion, it wouldn’t be real, wouldn’t be enough. He wouldn’t be able to come to me as easily as someone from church. That’s just the way Mormons work. If you don’t marry another Mormon, you can’t follow the path to righteousness.. Something like that. Again, paraphrasing.
Here’s my dilemma..
I love him. With all my heart and soul. There’s no one on Earth like him. He’s everything I want, and everything I never knew I wanted. He’s every cute cliché and every cheesy romance. And the longer I’m with him, the more I think about him, the more I might want that forever. I’m trying to be realistic, but I can’t deny that’s a real possibility.
But he’s Mormon, and I’m not.
I want him to be happy.
The question I pose is this: Do I give the Mormon religion another chance for him, effectively throwing away who I am and what I believe to make him happy?
He said he doesn’t want me to change for him, that he doesn’t want me to want to change. But someone is going to have to give up something for us to be happy together for more than this temporary state. Am I willing to let that be me? Am I willing to give open support to a group I’ve been immensely disappointed in, to lock myself up in a corner of my heart, to throw away the peace I’ve worked so hard to obtain, for him? So that he can be happy, and I can be happy with him? Would it be worth it? I’ve always been told not to change myself for love, because love fades, it’s not worth it, blah blah blah. I never thought I would even consider it, was sure I would never do it. Now.. Now, I look in his eyes, I play with his hair, and I think I could do anything for him.. Even, effectively, changing my own self.
Would it be worth it?