… That’s what.

And he’s left me. We broke up an hour before Valentine’s day. We said “I love you” to each other more in that last conversation than we did in our entire relationship together. He held me for hours while I sobbed. He even cried a little bit. And now I’m lost. I’m miserable, and stuck, and I don’t know what to do. My world has ended. I’m being dramatic, but seriously. Even 12 hours ago, I was sitting next to him, so in love, sure that I wanted to, that I could, that maybe I even would marry this man. Everything changed so quickly. I’ve lost my everything. How am I supposed to love again? Just the thought of him with someone else makes me sick. But I still want him to be happy. I love him, and that hasn’t changed. I will always love him. He knows that. I guess I just have to learn to live without my heart.


I meant to post this yesterday.. The app didn’t do it right.

I’d like to add that I was sure he was the one, that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I was going to give being Mormon another chance, do anything it took. I would still do anything for him. I would turn my world upside down to be back in his arms. I’m not sure if it makes it better or worse that we still love each other.. I don’t understand how someone can be in love and not be together. I love him.. I’m so scared and lost. I’m emptying out, turning into a shell of a person. I can feel it, but I can’t do anything about it.

We talk so much still.. We’re nearly always texting. It’s so weird, talking to him about how I miss him and how hurt I am. It seems so backwards to me.

If I keep going, this is going to turn into a sobfest. So there’s my quick little update.. About losing the man I let myself hope I would be with forever.


  1. #1 by Batman on March 21, 2011 - 12:55 am

    Mercy, I freaking love you so much. The night you came over was the happiest I have been since that night before Valentine’s Day. I don’t know if you noticed, but the notebook on my bed was the one that you wrote to me a few days after we broke up… I read it all the time, you are so gifted at writing and it seriously brings me to tears. I wanted you back more then anything. “I see the world in black and white, because you’re the color of my life.” When I heard you are sharing those precious lips with a lot of other guys it was like a knife through my heart. I am always happy, but these last few weeks have been the saddest of my life especially upon hearing the affection you are giving these new suitors. I don’t want to be mad at you. You are amazing and wonderful in every way. I wish the best with your new men and new life.

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