Archive for April, 2011
Okay, so I miss him. And that’s NOT okay. I talked about it for the very first time in a while with my cousin.. How my new boyfriend does NOT make me feel the way he did.. It’s awful. I still love him, whether I pretend I don’t or not. I can lie to myself about it all I want, and act like everything is fine, and act like things are great with B, but.. It’s not the same. I worry that the only reason I’m still with B is because of our trip to Cali that’s coming up. What if that’s true? What if we get back from the trip, and suddenly I can’t stand him anymore? I couldn’t do that to him. That’s so.. Low. I feel so stupid. I thought I was so ready for a relationship, and I loved the feeling of someone caring about me, and it was just great.. I think I rushed it, damn it. I fucked up. And I’m paying for it. It’s worse, because I actually do care about him, and I don’t want to hurt him. I just get this feeling.. That I’m going to, anyway. And that sucks. It’s not like Batman will be there waiting if I leave B. I don’t have him, can’t have him. It doesn’t matter how much I still love him, how happy he could make me. He’s gone, and I don’t want to be alone.
I don’t want to be alone..
I am going to CRY and SCREAM and SHOUT and YELL and HATE EVERYTHING. Why? Because I CAN.
I am going to LOVE and HOPE and DANCE and SING and LAUGH and LOVE EVERYTHING. Why? Because, damn it, I CAN.
I can do whatever the hell I want, be whoever I damn well please, act however I want- and I mean it!
I don’t have to follow your rules, I don’t have to walk your path, I don’t have to like your face- even if I probably will. I don’t have to be miserable because it’s “in.” I don’t have to be uncomfortable because it’s “hip.” I don’t have to be like you because it’s “cool.” I love me, he loves me, they love me for who I am. You don’t have to, but you’d better be ready to accept it, because I deserve it. I deserve to be who I am, to be who I want to be, and lucky for the world, I know it. I can feel it, and I can see it, and I can do it!!
I’m gonna make mistakes, laugh until I cry, cry until I laugh, feel good, feel bad, do it wrong, do it right.
I’m gonna live my own life.
And I’ll become someone amazing for it.
I’m dating a 27 year old. I’m not Mormon, though most of the people I’m around regularly are. I listen to weird music, have a weird style, and get weird ideas. I don’t like being just another face, like everyone else, following the crowd. I want to be the chick that everyone looks at and thinks, “What the hell is she doing?” I dance in the aisles at the grocery store, throw my head back and laugh in the rain, run around in my bare feet. I love girly dresses. I also love getting so ridiculously dirty that it takes ages to clean it up. I love constant change. I crave the new. I drink in experience and wonder and the chaos that is life.
I’m gonna keep doing ALL of this- and hopefully even more. I hope you’re ready, because it’s gonna be one hell of a ride.