GodDAMNit!

Okay, so I miss him. And that’s NOT okay. I talked about it for the very first time in a while with my cousin.. How my new boyfriend does NOT make me feel the way he did.. It’s awful. I still love him, whether I pretend I don’t or not. I can lie to myself about it all I want, and act like everything is fine, and act like things are great with B, but.. It’s not the same. I worry that the only reason I’m still with B is because of our trip to Cali that’s coming up. What if that’s true? What if we get back from the trip, and suddenly I can’t stand him anymore? I couldn’t do that to him. That’s so.. Low. I feel so stupid. I thought I was so ready for a relationship, and I loved the feeling of someone caring about me, and it was just great.. I think I rushed it, damn it. I fucked up. And I’m paying for it. It’s worse, because I actually do care about him, and I don’t want to hurt him. I just get this feeling.. That I’m going to, anyway. And that sucks. It’s not like Batman will be there waiting if I leave B. I don’t have him, can’t have him. It doesn’t matter how much I still love him, how happy he could make me. He’s gone, and I don’t want to be alone.

I don’t want to be alone..