Sometimes I hate where I’ve let myself get.
I think of all the dreams I had when I was younger, all the places I wanted to go and things I wanted to do, and I want to cry.
Other times I can’t believe I’ve gotten so far. I’m sort of proud of the accomplishments I’ve made, of how hard I’ve worked.
Sometimes… Sometimes I’m ashamed.
Life is so hard. That is no excuse, but it’s the truth. There are rules we have to learn about, promises we didn’t know we made, laws and suggestions and things that are taboo. Nothing is meaningless, but some things seem to be at first. Pain is our number one device for learning.. That sucks. That we learn best through pain. Why is that? Why couldn’t we learn best by finding a potful of gold?
Then again, if I had to find gold to learn a lesson, I’d be one dumb chick.
Back to life being hard.. I feel like I’ve done pretty good. With the right perspective, I’ve come so far, overcome so much, become someone I can be proud of. But from the view I’m trying to peek through now.. Ouch. See, there’s that pain. Telling me I can do better, I can be more, I’m not everything I should/could be. So, I decide I have more work to do. Work hurts. Ouch. I guess I’m sort of lazy, too. Darn. If only I could be rich, successful, and happy by laying in bed listening to music.
Throw perfect in there, too.
Nevermind. I would get bored.
But you get the point, I’m sure.
I still have so much to do. I want to be worthy, because I have to be worthy to get what I want. And I know what I want is a good thing to want, because it will be so hard to get there. So hard, and so easy.
I’m gonna be somebody. But I’m gonna have to work hard. It isn’t just going to come, unfortunately… Or maybe fortunately. Where is the glory in a rigged win? Where is the pride in having your dream handed to you on a silver platter? I want to be proud of where I am, so I want to work to get there.
I’m not worried about God forgiving me. Maybe I am, a little, but I’m more worried about forgiving myself.
Life is hard. But so, so good.