They always say not to go to bed angry, but I’ve never heard anything about going to bed with a broken heart.. Then again, I’m angry, too. I have no idea what’s going on, and I’m hurting, and there’s nothing I can do to fix it. I’m broken and it hurts like hell and I can’t stop crying. I don’t know what I did wrong.. I mean, I get the big thing, but what did I do to deserve this particular torture? I try so hard, work so hard to be as close to perfect as I can get. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do. But still, I’m being treated like this. I feel worthless, and stupid, and used. I feel like worse than a stranger, less than the scum on the bottom of a shoe. I feel like I could disappear and it wouldn’t matter. Would it? Tell me if I matter. Because I need to know. I feel like garbage. My eyes are swollen, puffy, and red. My nose is stuffed. The skin on my face is raw and my nose is sensitive. I’ve been crying so much.. I broke down in the car. Just started sobbing, and crying, and I still am not done. It disgusts me. I just want to know where I went wrong, so I can fix it, so I can be better. I want to be better, want to be enough. I want to know what’s going on, and why suddenly I’m not worth shit. I used to feel so important, so loved, I used to feel like I meant something. What changed? Why did I turn into scum, garbage, nothing??? What did I do to earn this level of Hell?
Why do you build me up (Build me up)
Buttercup baby just to
let me down (Let me down)
And mess me around
And then worst of all (Worst of all)
You never call baby
When you say you will (Say you will)
But I love you still
I need you (I need you)
More than anyone darlin’
You know that I have from the start
So build me up (Build me up)
Don’t break my heart
– Build me up, Buttercup (The Foundations)
I’ll fix it. Because if I don’t, I’ll go crazy, and I’ll be miserable. I want my life to mean something again. I hate this!!!!! I just wanna scream , and throw and break things, and freak out, and swear like a sailor. I’m barely holding it all in, and it’s swelling up.. And probably turning to liquid and squeezing itself out my eyes.
Welcome to Hell week, ladies and gents. It’s gonna be a ride. I’m going to bed angry and broken and so, so hurt. We’ll see how I wake up tomorrow.
All this, and still, I love him more than anything. That’s what I need to focus on, I guess. I still love him. I still love him.
I still love him.