Archive for category Him

Protected: She was gorgeous. (14 letters. Deana’s favorite drink.)

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I’m so quiet today, I don’t feel like me

Someone took your smile away

Now it’s gone and I can see

No one loves til it’s gone

I’m the one who likes change

But I feel taken by surprise

Let me rewind the things I say

That made it rain inside your eyes

I keep missing you

My heart knows it’s through

Don’t wake up I’m here

To keep you from the storm, ooh

I’ll soak up your fear

And keep your body warm

I keep missing you

My heart knows it’s through

Don’t wake up, I’m here

To keep you from the storm, ooh

I’ll soak up your fear

And keep your body warm

I keep missing you

My heart knows it’s through

Nothing to hold on to, ooh

My heart knows it’s through…

“Ballad of Wendy Baker” – Ben Kweller

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In Him.. (It’s the way I am. 6.)

So everyone knows I’m in love with Dave… Even Dave knows it. Lately we’ve made some decisions about our relationship that are going to take us to grand and beautiful places. I’m so excited for us. But as we were talking about these decisions, we talked about some other things, too.

Like the fact that he is terrified for marriage- which everyone also knows, including me. He’s simply not ready for something like that. And I’m okay with it, I understand. Yesterday he said something about how we would probably break up before he ever got married, in conjunction with a statement about how he didn’t “know if we will get married or what.” I take this as progress. I have to wonder, however, what he would say or think if he knew how strongly I feel that that is exactly where our relationship is headed. Maybe not soon, not for a while. But not only is that something I want, it’s something I feel I’m going to have. And I can’t wait for that.

Every day, possibly every moment, I feel we are making decisions and doing the things that are setting us straighter and farther on the paths to our futures. I could be wrong about our paths staying interconnected for eternity, but I don’t really feel I am. Either way, connected or not, we’re going the right way. We’re doing the right things to promise our salvation, our peace. I have never loved another the way that I love him, nor do I want to. He is so special, so sacred and wonderful. I thank God every day for the love He’s blessed us with, and for the opportunity to be with someone who, in all honesty, has saved me.

One day, when my beautiful daughter asks me who my first love was, I don’t want to pull out old photo albums. I don’t want to dig through a box of old letters, search the dusty recesses of my mind, tell fantastic and tragic tales of love gone awry. I want to point across the room at my husband and say to my little girl, “He’s right there.”

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… That’s what.

And he’s left me. We broke up an hour before Valentine’s day. We said “I love you” to each other more in that last conversation than we did in our entire relationship together. He held me for hours while I sobbed. He even cried a little bit. And now I’m lost. I’m miserable, and stuck, and I don’t know what to do. My world has ended. I’m being dramatic, but seriously. Even 12 hours ago, I was sitting next to him, so in love, sure that I wanted to, that I could, that maybe I even would marry this man. Everything changed so quickly. I’ve lost my everything. How am I supposed to love again? Just the thought of him with someone else makes me sick. But I still want him to be happy. I love him, and that hasn’t changed. I will always love him. He knows that. I guess I just have to learn to live without my heart.


I meant to post this yesterday.. The app didn’t do it right.

I’d like to add that I was sure he was the one, that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I was going to give being Mormon another chance, do anything it took. I would still do anything for him. I would turn my world upside down to be back in his arms. I’m not sure if it makes it better or worse that we still love each other.. I don’t understand how someone can be in love and not be together. I love him.. I’m so scared and lost. I’m emptying out, turning into a shell of a person. I can feel it, but I can’t do anything about it.

We talk so much still.. We’re nearly always texting. It’s so weird, talking to him about how I miss him and how hurt I am. It seems so backwards to me.

If I keep going, this is going to turn into a sobfest. So there’s my quick little update.. About losing the man I let myself hope I would be with forever.

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A Quick Thought..

I’m looking through the book of my life..

When we met, you were just a sentence. Soon, you became a paragraph. It wasn’t long before you were a page. Picking up speed, you easily filled a chapter. Now it’s clear- you’re a main character. And this book wouldn’t be the same without you.

You’re beautiful. Wonderful. Delightful. Any other ‘fuls’ I can think of. You bring light into every day-and night- of my life. You are everything to me.

I thank you for that. I love you.

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… Now what?

I talked last time about Him. I’d like to elaborate a little, and outline my dilemma. We’ve had a few deep discussions about how we feel about each other and our future. We agree that our relationship grows deeper and stronger every day, and that we’re both terrified to lose each other. We got on the subject of religion while laying in bed a few weeks ago, and he sort of nudged me and said, “yeah, I think that’s where we’re gonna have problems, babe.” And he was right. He’s Mormon. He wants to get married in the temple, have a big Mormon family, and be Mormon-y and righteous the rest of his days. Okay, so I’m paraphrasing. But that’s the gist of it.

Me not being Mormon, our relationship would work out fine on my end. I’m open and accepting, I have no rules to follow, as long as I feel I’m doing right and I’m happy. But he can’t just get married by himself in the temple, duh. I would obviously have to be there. And just thinking about him going off to church by himself, everyone always asking where his wife is, not having real support at home.. And I would support him, I would. But if I wasn’t a member of his religion, it wouldn’t be real, wouldn’t be enough. He wouldn’t be able to come to me as easily as someone from church. That’s just the way Mormons work. If you don’t marry another Mormon, you can’t follow the path to righteousness.. Something like that. Again, paraphrasing.

Here’s my dilemma..

I love him. With all my heart and soul. There’s no one on Earth like him. He’s everything I want, and everything I never knew I wanted. He’s every cute cliché and every cheesy romance. And the longer I’m with him, the more I think about him, the more I might want that forever. I’m trying to be realistic, but I can’t deny that’s a real possibility.

But he’s Mormon, and I’m not.

I want him to be happy.

The question I pose is this: Do I give the Mormon religion another chance for him, effectively throwing away who I am and what I believe to make him happy?

He said he doesn’t want me to change for him, that he doesn’t want me to want to change. But someone is going to have to give up something for us to be happy together for more than this temporary state. Am I willing to let that be me? Am I willing to give open support to a group I’ve been immensely disappointed in, to lock myself up in a corner of my heart, to throw away the peace I’ve worked so hard to obtain, for him? So that he can be happy, and I can be happy with him? Would it be worth it? I’ve always been told not to change myself for love, because love fades, it’s not worth it, blah blah blah. I never thought I would even consider it, was sure I would never do it. Now.. Now, I look in his eyes, I play with his hair, and I think I could do anything for him.. Even, effectively, changing my own self.

Would it be worth it?



I may be in love..

Let me begin by saying.. I feel safe here. I haven’t given this site to a single soul I know. I don’t know if anyone will read it, I’m not sure I care. It’s for me. A place where I can spew my thoughts freely. And that’s how I’m going to use it now..

I haven’t said this to anyone I know. I haven’t said it to myself. But I’m going to say it to you: I think I’m in love with him.

I know I love him. I’ve told him this, we’ve talked about it. He loves me, too. But love and in love are two completely different things. Telling him I love him.. It means I care so much about him, that he’s the most amazing thing in my life right now, that he’s so important. We discussed that, and that’s how he means it, too. We don’t say it often, but we know it’s there, and that’s what matters.

A couple of weeks ago, we watched a movie, made out passionately, and cuddled on the couch. While we were laying there, I asked him if it bothers him when I say “I love you.” He told me it doesn’t, but that he doesn’t know what it means. So we discussed what it means. (Ooh, before I forget. When we got to his house, he went upstairs for a bit. I found a list of resolutions on his dresser, and one of them was “only date wife material.” I was really upset. Anyway, moving on.) After that, he asked me what I saw for us in the future. Where we were going, something like that. I really wish I could remember. I told him I’m scared to think about the future, but that I don’t want to lose him. He said the same. I can’t remember the exact way the conversation went, but that was the gist of it. And I felt good about it.

Lately I’ve been thinking about that.. My brother and neighbors are always teasing us about marriage. We’ve been dating since the end of September 2010, together since December 5th. New Years Eve my neighbor looked him straight in the face and said “What I really wanna know is, when are you gonna ask the big question?” Being the sweetheart that he is, he totally didn’t understand what my neighbor meant. When he got it, he laughed it off, and it was all okay. I was mortified. But he didn’t mind, and that’s what matters.

But the more I think about it..

I don’t ever want him to leave. I know that’s a normal feeling, but still. We’ve been together a long time. This may be my longest relationship.. I’m not sure. Have you ever heard the term “Honeymoon stage,” sometimes “newlywed stage?” It refers to how in a relationship, it usually takes a few weeks or a month before the glow wears off and the irritated arguing starts. Where the people realize their partner isn’t perfect, and they’re not so smushy damn cute. (Wow. Smushy damn cute. I should write these down..) Not everyone goes through it- they get married. And it’s okay.

Here’s the thing.. I still think he’s perfect. I still love every single thing about him- even the things that bug the hell out of me. I love him the way he is, and I don’t want him to change. That’s new for me. And I’m not sure what it means. I just know that I would be lost without him. Sure, I’d move on, I’d be okay. But I would be damn miserable, that’s for sure. I would be alone and in pain and I wouldn’t want another man in my life for a long time, maybe ever. He’s my everything, whether I like it or not.

Being 19, there’s a lot I’m not ready for. I think marriage may be one of them. He’s 22, so obviously he’s a little closer than I am. But I think the only reason I’m not is because I’m still technically a “teen.” Either way, I think about marriage a lot. And the more I think about it, the more I think he could be the one; the more I want to embark on that adventure with him; the deeper he sinks into my soul.

Wow. That was dramatic.

Like I said, I so won’t admit this. Just typing it here scares the hell out of me. But I know I love him, and I think I may be in love with him.. And despite the reasons that say “no-” like the fact that he’s Mormon- I think I would say yes.

Food for thought.

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