I woke up this morning feeling as right as rain. I slept like a rock. My shoulders are a little sore, but hey, life is good!.. Right?
In one blink I remembered last night. Tears came to my eyes. It was hard to breath. Ish.
The world may be beautiful, but suddenly there’s so much pain. I can hardly stand it. The consequences of our mistakes are finally coming to light.. And I feel like I got the light end of the deal. I feel like he’s being punished so much more for what we did than I am. Aren’t we both guilty of sin? Why is it, then, that I get a slap on the wrist and a “do better next time” while suddenly his soul is in danger of being lost forever? It isn’t fair. I hate all of it.
I don’t want to get out of bed. It’s warm here, and almost safe. I can pretend nothing else exists. I can just lay here in a little bubble, drift in and out of sleep, watch movies and browse facebook.
But I have institute. And I’m pretty sure we need God now more than ever.
Sometimes I hate where I’ve let myself get.
I think of all the dreams I had when I was younger, all the places I wanted to go and things I wanted to do, and I want to cry.
Other times I can’t believe I’ve gotten so far. I’m sort of proud of the accomplishments I’ve made, of how hard I’ve worked.
Sometimes… Sometimes I’m ashamed.
Life is so hard. That is no excuse, but it’s the truth. There are rules we have to learn about, promises we didn’t know we made, laws and suggestions and things that are taboo. Nothing is meaningless, but some things seem to be at first. Pain is our number one device for learning.. That sucks. That we learn best through pain. Why is that? Why couldn’t we learn best by finding a potful of gold?
Then again, if I had to find gold to learn a lesson, I’d be one dumb chick.
Back to life being hard.. I feel like I’ve done pretty good. With the right perspective, I’ve come so far, overcome so much, become someone I can be proud of. But from the view I’m trying to peek through now.. Ouch. See, there’s that pain. Telling me I can do better, I can be more, I’m not everything I should/could be. So, I decide I have more work to do. Work hurts. Ouch. I guess I’m sort of lazy, too. Darn. If only I could be rich, successful, and happy by laying in bed listening to music.
Throw perfect in there, too.
Nevermind. I would get bored.
But you get the point, I’m sure.
I still have so much to do. I want to be worthy, because I have to be worthy to get what I want. And I know what I want is a good thing to want, because it will be so hard to get there. So hard, and so easy.
I’m gonna be somebody. But I’m gonna have to work hard. It isn’t just going to come, unfortunately… Or maybe fortunately. Where is the glory in a rigged win? Where is the pride in having your dream handed to you on a silver platter? I want to be proud of where I am, so I want to work to get there.
I’m not worried about God forgiving me. Maybe I am, a little, but I’m more worried about forgiving myself.
Life is hard. But so, so good.
A couple of months ago, when I was first coming back to the church, I really wanted to learn about Christ. That seemed to be my number one objective. I wanted to know about his life, the sacrifice he made for us, and what He means to me. In an unconnected event, I decided to read the Book of Mormon. I’ve already posted a little about that, if you recall. But what I want to talk about now is the fact that this book is a true and full testament of Christ. It’s incredible. Every page shouts a message of hope and peace at me. It promises me so many wonderful blessings. It soothes my soul and calms my pounding heart. It makes me want to spout dramatic and cliche phrases- so I do.
I truly love it. I am still behind on my challenge- more so than I would like to admit- but I am finding it over and over again. It keeps touching me in different ways, sending me new awe-inspiring messages. It fills me with a love I didn’t know I had. It is inspiring, motivating, and shocking. I am learning so much.
Christ lives. He is our Savior, and this November.. He’s what I’m really thankful for.
”The simple fact is this: anything that does not draw us closer to God takes us away from him. We have no middle ground, no foggy area where we can sin a little without suffering spiritual decline. That is why we must repent and come to Christ daily on submissive knees so that we can prevent bonfires of testimony from being snuffed out by sin.” -Joseph B. Wirthlin (Moroni 7:16-17)
I joined an event on facebook(which you can find here) to read the Book of Mormon by the end of the year. It’s been a little tough- I’m already behind. But every time I sit down to read, I am so filled with joy.. It’s inexpressibly beautiful. This book is so incredible.
“And if ye shall believe in Christ ye will believe in these words, for they are the words of Christ, … and they teach all men that they should do good.” 2 Nephi 33:10
Reading this astounding book has already helped me so much. I learn every time I open its pages, I grow and feel and pour my heart into it. It does so much for me. I have no doubt as to the truth of its words.
I would like to give you a little challenge.. I want you to read this. Even just a little bit of it. If you don’t have a copy, you can get a free one here. You don’t have to read the whole thing- although I strongly urge you to. If you get confused, don’t get discouraged! There are parts that even I don’t understand. But I want you to take this book with an open heart, an open mind. I want you to read whatever you’re willing, as much as you can. And then-and this may be tough- I’d like you to ask the Lord if what you read was true. I’m not talking about some grand, soul-searching journey(even though I have nothing against that!), I’m just talking about a simple prayer. Just ask him. I want everyone to know the peace this book can bring you.
This challenge- though it may be daunting- is not as hard as you might think. I promise you, you will not regret it. So please, for you, just take a look. Give it a try. You don’t have to make any promises to turn a page.
I hope someday to be more than I am now.
But then, that’s not quite right, is it?
One day soon, I will be more than I am now. That is a promise.
I am meant for wonderful things in my life. We all are- it’s why we’re here. Sometimes it may take a while to figure it out, but it’s always there. And isn’t that half the battle? Figuring out who we are, why we’re on this spinning ball? Of course it is. For some people, that’s the hardest part. Others have known where they were going since preschool. Some people- like me- know why they’re here, but forget sometimes. So just remind yourself. There are so many ways to get back to what you feel is right. Just put in that effort, and you can go where you need to go.
I think I need to turn my life more towards my ultimate goal- being a mother. I want to follow a career path that will be the easiest to maintain with children, change my temperament and cultivate my patience. I want to learn, so much, so that I can answer little prying questions. I have so much work to do before I’ll be prepared for so great a calling- and who’s to say I ever will be prepared?
All I know, is that that is why I’m here. I will bring angels to this world, and if I’m going to be ready, I’ve got to start now. My future children have got to fight their way into my priorities, in whatever ways I can manage. Of course, admitting my destiny, my future, is a big step for me. It can be a big step for all of us.
Do you know where you’re going? Are you floating along, looking vaguely at everything surrounding you, wondering where you’re headed? I urge you to find out. Simply having a plan is so helpful, so motivating. Start somewhere. Try something. If it doesn’t fit, move on. Make a decision. Action by inaction is the worst thing you can do. Get up. Move. Do.
So everyone knows I’m in love with Dave… Even Dave knows it. Lately we’ve made some decisions about our relationship that are going to take us to grand and beautiful places. I’m so excited for us. But as we were talking about these decisions, we talked about some other things, too.
Like the fact that he is terrified for marriage- which everyone also knows, including me. He’s simply not ready for something like that. And I’m okay with it, I understand. Yesterday he said something about how we would probably break up before he ever got married, in conjunction with a statement about how he didn’t “know if we will get married or what.” I take this as progress. I have to wonder, however, what he would say or think if he knew how strongly I feel that that is exactly where our relationship is headed. Maybe not soon, not for a while. But not only is that something I want, it’s something I feel I’m going to have. And I can’t wait for that.
Every day, possibly every moment, I feel we are making decisions and doing the things that are setting us straighter and farther on the paths to our futures. I could be wrong about our paths staying interconnected for eternity, but I don’t really feel I am. Either way, connected or not, we’re going the right way. We’re doing the right things to promise our salvation, our peace. I have never loved another the way that I love him, nor do I want to. He is so special, so sacred and wonderful. I thank God every day for the love He’s blessed us with, and for the opportunity to be with someone who, in all honesty, has saved me.
One day, when my beautiful daughter asks me who my first love was, I don’t want to pull out old photo albums. I don’t want to dig through a box of old letters, search the dusty recesses of my mind, tell fantastic and tragic tales of love gone awry. I want to point across the room at my husband and say to my little girl, “He’s right there.”
I am reinventing
myself my blog. It has a theme, a purpose, somewhere to go! This is the first post of the rest of my blog. I am going to leave up all the previous posts, rather than delete them or create a new blog, because I feel that there are a few gems in there. You are more than welcome to visit the past.
In the future, I am going to be following what is essentially the human soul. I am going to discuss the things that shape the soul- namely religion, love, and well-being. These are things I’m focused on in my life, and in sharing what I’ve learned- and am learning- with you, I hope to make it more clear to myself.
This life is a learning journey. I would be honored to share it with you.